Boundaries

As children, we are structured and conditioned. Understandably so. Children, who often lack reasoning and far-sightedness, will often resist attempts to structure them if it goes against what their immediate desires are. This is still very much apparent in adults, although obviously more complex.

It is natural for anyone to deviate off structure. Many adults stray off the routine, even if they know the power of habits and routine. Even if they know the power of habits and routine. That is the complexity of dissonance and the powerful opportunities it holds, if one can be disciplined enough to achieve the resonance.

Interestingly, the more we are presented with structure and routine, which we can acknowledge is important and powerful, the more important becomes the balancing act. Everything in moderation, right? As children, if they are presented with too much rigidity with a structured routine, it can have adverse effects as adults. This can be due to children naturally wanting to resist such structures, largely because they cannot see the value in them. But importantly, those who committed to guiding these children cannot possibly micro-manage and enforce absolute adherence to these structures. It's important as educators or anyone in the capacity to guide children, to understand the limitations as human beings.

Whatever we need as adults, we need as children too. We need structure yet fluidity. We need boundaries yet we need fields without fences. In order to truly come to find your own symbiosis, I believe you need to go through the stages in life here you have one or the other (as one cannot hold onto both at the exact same time and moment). But what about for children? The prior is definitely true. Children need to organically undergo experiences to have a properly lived experience, with the guidance of a responsible adult. The aporia here, is that it is impossible to 'perfectly' shape a child. As I mentioned above, any attempt to try to perfectly raise a child may often go past that fine line, and create adverse effects.

The key idea here is that as an adult, it is important to look back into your childhood to see the patterns beginning to form in the way you perceive the world. What foundational patterns did you have as a child growing up, for you to respond to certain triggers in a certain way now?

In order to see the pattern, you need to see the front of the sequence, all the way through till you begin to see a pattern forming. Here's an example. A student of mine did not feel as if they were accepted enough as a child, by not only their parents, but by their reference groups such as their friends. In order to feel any sense of acceptance that made sense to them, this person had no appreciation of boundaries. If anything, they felt boundaries would do no good to their goal of gaining the feeling of acceptance and security. Interestingly, this person tried to find a micro-structure in this matrix of trying to gain acceptance. They made their own rules in this micr-structure and 'made their rules as they went'. This became a very reactive approach from a young age, testing waters during interactions with whoever they met. Any positive reaction was perceived as 'acceptance' they so desired and became a volatile gambling scramble.

As an adult, this student carried this behaviour through. They didn't know any better. This lack of boundaries and sporadic, impulsive chasing of acceptance lead to multiple and complex forms of duplicity, subsequently leading to confusion as to who they are and what they want. What do they truly care about? They don't really know as the time to set up such relevant foundations became so tangled up with seemingly more important goals such as wanting to be accepted.

I believe it's the role of adults, who are experienced, disciplined and passionate enough to help guide these children. Things happen for a reason. The past is in the past, for this student. However, it is time to untie the elaborate, ball of tangled knots. This road will require immense strength in the form of discipline, patience and other siblings of resilience. Moreover, this is an incredibly abstract process, which requires numerous time jumps throughout their life. The icing on the cake would be the systematic peeling back of 'ego' that has arisen as a form of coping mechanism to feel senses of adequacy, which may have been confused as feelings of 'acceptance' they so longed for...