Pre-engagement, I had written out reasons for and against engagement as per the logical person that I am. I try to be critical whilst being appreciative at the same time. Although often this leads to be being more critical than appreciative. Perhaps this is my own folly in being a double-minded man, thus carving my own instability. Looking back, rationalising was ultimately a futile and self-destructive endeavour. Love is felt but more importantly created through commitment and effort. But at the same time, you must feel love, or else one would not propose or progress.
I had originally planned to propose on top of Switzerland's Jungfraujoch. However, climbing up Mount Vesuvius, the famous volcano of Pompeii, Italy, I was brought back to our first encounter: high school's inter-school excursion for ancient history. The topic was 'Pompeii and Herculaneum'. From 2014, these 9 years have passed both quick and slow. How much we take for granted within the blurs of day to day life. How much of the 'real' life do we take too pragmatically and too critically.
The hike itself was surreal. No words could describe the experience. We had only one goal during the hike: to get to the top. This sounds silly but day to day, I believe a person to person never really feels 100% synchronicity. Even in a martial arts bout, people have different reasons and motives to win. Yet on this climb, we were in as absolute of synchronicity we have been in a very long time. There were very very very few people on the trail. No artificial, man-made sounds. Just the natural sound of the winds, the grass flowing with the wind and the invigorating and powerful rumbles of thunder, was it was scheduled to rain. Serotonine!
Pre-hike, we were told we couldn't climb past the 90% of the hike due to not having a ticket. Therefore, we knew we would only make it to 90% of the mountain. The same can be said about me knowing her answer to my proposal. I knew we couldn't make it to the top of the mountain. I knew she would say 'yes'. Yet it was in this 'journey', not the 'destination' to the top of the mountain. And then came the moment. What a powerful feeling a moment is.
When I committed to the proposal at the 90% point, and got the ring out of my bag... The world flipped. It was a 16 year old me again, on my first date with her. I was nervous! I could not control my emotions nor composure. Inexperience! The inner child in me was in full manifestation. Tears rolled down my face and I couldn't figure out why during the moment. This was it. And noone was around to see this. Beautiful.
As I write this, I look back at my more critical, rushing and toxically 'ambitious' self. Often being critical and ambitious can blend together to make one unhappy and uncertain person. Unsure why they lack some deeper meaning and internal satisfaction. Manifesting into negativity such as ego, insecurities and temporary escapes. I often saw our relationship as something that never grew or will grow out of the 'high school relationship' phase. The glass half empty. Post-engagement, my eyes have changed. The glass is half full. To be together since high school, we have the opportunity to retain our 'inner children' that we cultivated together.
Within that moment, time stopped. It melted and wiped away all doubt, all negativity and felt like a new leaf. Love truly melts everything negative away and heals all. There was no ulterior motive, even in the slightest. What a short and fleeting moment. A moment created by ultimately, my own decision and my own action.
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