I'm a strong believer that a lot of our issues in our current lives is deeply rooted within unresolved childhood past. Recently, I was looking into my past about why I have doubt in myself or why I'm scared of something.
Looking back, I realise that a vast majority of my childhood, say ages 5 to 14, I never was inspired or motivated by anyone or anything. I saw my father, whom raised me, as my oppressor in my early days. 'Forcing me' to go to do tuition work, forcing me to do extracurricular activities while I looked on as many of my other peers were 'doing their own thing'. Children are like that, they compare with others often because their parents or others around them compare.
When exposed to an array of other experiences and exposures, and a child deems those other experiences better than what they are currently going through, kids can limit test. What can I get away with? Despite the opportunities given to me by my father, I took many shortcuts. When I got caught on the odd occasions, I would get punished. Within these punishments there were many painful moments. I would associate these positive opportunities given to me as negative. Obviously in hindsight, I understand otherwise.
In my teenage years and the freedom that became, I changed my identity completely for the worse. I could reinvent myself, I could finally have more autonomy. This was dangerous as I seeked simple, hollow victories and greatness. I cared about image as it was so easy to change. Instant gratification is a very dangerous availability for the young mind. Especially for one who had supposedly believed they had suffered before such availability.
In my late teens, I began to reject meaningful opportunities and hard work because of my trauma around it as a child. The contrast of more easy ways out in these later teen years only diverged away from what I needed most. I could not turn my head to see the opportunities. Coming through to this understanding has only really occurred very recently. Hence, my expression is poor and my thoughts are quite convoluted. But I'm ready to face more of my childhood experiences. The answers are definitely there. With careful extraction, taking it slowly and honestly, I firmly believe I can undo some bad habits and attitudes. I believe we all have that within us too. The answers are within. The tools are not.
Hard work and more importantly, consistency. Your biggest investment is in yourself and being able to gain control your mind.
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