While we are young, we often don’t truly understand the impacts of regret. Regret compounds over time much like the slow burn of unnoticeable poison.
I begin to understand the shallow depths of regret, one that is beyond that of common teenage, young adult concerns such as not being brave enough to take on a challenge or confrontation.
My father and I never shared much positive affirmation. We barely ate dinner together, we barely sat and spoke about my troubles or his troubles. As he got older, I notice myself urgently expressing my concerns for him: his health, how I miss him, how much I love him. Perhaps this is because we had a unique connection through martial arts. We began to understand each other beyond father and son, but as mentor and student. In a way, we developed a stronger relationship beyond words. I understand this is not meant to substitute healthy verbal communications, which unfortunately may have taken a hit. These often foundational essences of a healthy father and son relationship, or any relationship for that matter, such as open communication, some words of affirmation, spending some quality time over dinner, is something I must and am actively working on with urgency for the fear of regret at the back of my mind. Indeed, it's a difficult process to deliberately try to unlearn aspects of the dangerous ambivalence of comfortable yet somewhat toxic relationship of stoicism between him and I.
As inherent in humans, my father begins to get more health complications. Like anyone who cares, I like to think of solutions optimistically and sometimes with wishful thinking. His mind is still strong, he takes on numerous challenges daily and holds a strong degree of integrity and duty-bound responsibility which no doubt keeps him stressed but ironically young. Yet I must also remain pragmatic and learn to 'zen-fully' accept and surrender to the reality of life. I'm a proud son as he garners respect from many people in his life as he still refuses to give up. Yet I cannot shake this feeling of foreshadowing regret, should I not make the most of my time with him now. Paradoxically, I'm also pursuing investments in career and other life commitments which often fight for my time and attention alongside my inherent desire to maximise my time with my father. This is an opportunity to test my resilience, my ability to prioritise and ultimately utilise quality over quantity.
I wishfully think often, as one would, what life would be if my parents never got divorced. Multiple times. I can understand the tastes of regret as I feel that I would trade everything I own to have my dad, young and healthy like many of my peers and their parents. I wonder what life would be had he had me when he was in his late 20s or 30s, not in his mid 50s. But I remind myself, I am where I am now because of these experiences and that these are the cards I have been dealt with and must learn to master my plays. I begin to understand that certain things, money can never buy and that happiness must come from within, and the connection with other peoples' 'withins', their souls.
Dad and I's relationships as his grows older, becomes increasingly complex as urgency catalyses my perception of our relationship. As Gabor Mate says, as a younger, naive person we often perceive time as two things: 'now' or 'some time in the future'. As a child, I was so wrongfully fixated on the harshness and sufferings he imposed on me. Why must have he been so strict? Why am I doing this when everyone else is out and playing? Such a dynamic and perception of him was a large part of my identity. As I got older, I began to really understand and appreciate his good intentions, he taught me stoicism, to be a fearless challenger and to be search for something beyond myself. As I unlearn my initial naivety, I notice the paradox beyond the realms of logic. There are deeper underlying emotional misunderstandings my subconscious deeply holds. I must uncover this as I can feel there is still turbulence within. I can feel there are still aspects of my inner child still upset and angry that he misunderstood me and made wrong decisions in parenting. Of course this is something I begin to accept and understand as I get older, he only did the best he could within his capability. Interestingly, a part of me maybe misses the conflicts we used to have, where we butt heads energetically as I challenged his authority later as a teen. As I see him grow older and weaker, my innate human feelings of sympathy and fear overrides my attempts to uncover my deeper subconscious and its relationship with my father. I feel a strong need to look after him and to care for him, and perhaps this is excessive. This has been and will be a difficult process where I need to master more 'zen-ful' values, to accept things for what it is.
I am grateful for the many, many people who have reached out to me. They jumped in to assist and I can see these actions speaking louder than mere words. Many of those who have experienced similar, I can feel a strong empathetic connection as we live parallel lives in some way. Two things I have come to understand from such people thematically, resonates with me strongly:
“Don’t hold it in. You are only human, the more you resist, the more it persists. At some point you will implode."
“Have you thought about what your father wants? You are placing your own understanding of personal care and your own agenda on what 'help' should look like. Have you thought about what he wants and how he is feeling?"
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