The answers are in the childhood

Another conversation with my African American friend who's well into his 60s.

• Humans have innate and inherent traits which shape their beliefs and values. As a child, were you always nice and kind? Were you shy? Were you always driven to finish what you wanted/started? How much does the environment you grew up in influence who you are as an adult vs. your inherent core as a person?

• He said that through his decades of life, he believes people do have a core. In a way, it is fate. We try to change as much as we can, through discipline, mindfulness, reflection, life events, social circle etc. The only way we can change is by addressing the childhood events and the childhood persona. What made us tick? With the hindsight and maturity we have now, why did that make us tick? Look into as far back as you can as a child.

• He said that the more time spent away from introspecting childhood will lead to further turbulent dissonance. As we get older, we may find it increasingly difficult to remember childhood. We feel something is not right and we are not at peace and we don't know why. Often this is in the shape of midlife crisis. Start your attempts early!

Delving into this theme of childhood, I'm reminded of my conversation with a lady in her early 60s in a wheelchair. She had met my father and me and told me she saw the pain in my eyes of trying to meet the expectations of my father. She told me a moving story of how her 22 year old son passed away, always chasing after his dad's expectations. She told me I reminded her of her late son, that we shared the same sorrow in our eyes. "You are enough," she would repeat often.

It made me think back to my childhood, I felt forced to live up to my dad's expectations in study, in life events and in martial arts. I know now as an adult (somewhat better) that he only had the best intentions for me and taught in his own capacity. We only know what we know. Some part of me definitely wants to meet his expectations but all of it is all me. I'm my own captor putting imagined expectations onto myself. Maybe this is the unique relationship that I have with my father? Perhaps this is our own love. I do believe at times, there is some pressure coming from these expectations. But I do think ultimately, I am happy and it drives me forward.