My mother taught me only a fragment of femininity. As a young child in my formative years, I only saw her on weekends as per custody arrangements. Therefore, exposure to guiding feminine energy was fragmented.
She was a 'black and white' contrast to my masculine father. On the weekends, I would be exposed to her softness and emotional vulnerability. She would seep out obvious and tender kindness. On the weekends, the child within me's innate desire to express softness, gushed out.
Throughout the week, it was my father and me. Two life lessons I would later begin to grasp are that 1) humans naturally look over at the "grass on the other side" and 2) "comparison is the thief of joy." The grueling demands of transitioning from a boy to a man under my father's guidance, without a consistent motherly figure, was a tough challenge. I'm proud that I made it through but for a large portion, I made very wrongful assumptions of the role of female energy.
As a young man, I struggled with a holistic understanding of how I would interact with female energy. Only knowing fragmented relationships with the feminine, i.e. my mother and then my step mother, I gambled to experience the remaining. Being a young man filled with impunity and recklessness, of course, gambling to understand the role of a woman to me, was dangerous. As David Deida's 'the way of the superior man' expresses, male energy needs female energy to complement.
Now, my childhood and my adolescence; I can see it clearer. I identify more of what I lacked and what I desired. Through self-awareness, through reflection upon my mistakes and through accepting the past, I own my path: past, present and future. For every difficult memory, I navigate and accept, I further my conviction that love is always the answer for everyone.
Love is not cheap, love is pure and like the forging of a sword, it takes a lot of time and effort to draw out impurities.
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